Searching4Satiety

“You have to regard yourself as a cloud, in the flesh, because you see- clouds never makes mistakes. Did you ever see a cloud that was misshapen? Did you ever see a badly designed wave?” – Alan Watts

I’m only 25 years old, so I’m still learning a lot about myself- not sure if that will ever stop. I am an over-thinker, an analyzer, and always in my own head about so many things. I’m a talker and a communicator, I’m a writer and a reader. I feel like every choice I make in my life has been thought about over and over in my mind on exorbitant loops and replays. That’s why it always surprises me how easily I adapt to change that was unexpected, unplanned, and most importantly- unwanted.

I find that a lot of times in life, finding the light at the end of the tunnel is easier than we think- it is to contemplate and obsess over the choice to venture down said tunnel that is difficult.

I spent the last few years in a relationship that was neither good or bad for me. I was planning a life with this person as he was with me. I put everything into this union. We laughed, we cried, we planned our future. All of my hopes were in him and in us. In those moments, the scariest thing that could have crossed my mind was losing him. He was so en-grained in me and my future that the thought would literally haunt me. He was my constant and my security. Fast forward to now and we are no longer together, and not by the most pleasant circumstances either- in fact, we’re not together by one of the most disrespectful, selfish, and hurtful circumstances one could face at the hands of their partner. But, somehow I feel oddly un-phased and more than okay. That’s not to say I don’t have days that the pain sneaks up on me, or days I think about him. But through it all, I genuinely feel good. I am excited to experience all of the things I have wanted to experience for so long- on my schedule and un-apologetically selfishly for myself. I get to choose where I want to live and how I want to live. I get to travel. I get to buy a thousand girly throw pillows for my bed because it is MY bed. I have this overwhelming feeling of freedom and desire to explore, and all of that is so true to my genuine desires that it trumps any of the feelings of anger or sadness or loss. The decision to end this part of my life was made, and now I get to reap the benefits. All of my turmoil and anxiety lived and died in that decision alone.

I lost what I truly, full-heartedly, thought I wanted…. and instead gained what I didn’t know I needed. 

Life is weird in that way. When you let go of the things not made for you, you soon encounter the things that are- without effort or planning or forcing. With all of this comes even more freedom to forgive the ones who hurt us. Why hate someone for ruining what wasn’t right for you to begin with? Why harbor resentment or pain when you are finding fulfillment in ways you never would have with them by your side?

Life really is a balancing act- let go and receive, give and take, teach and learn. I have learned the unwavering truth that you can not MAKE anything or anyone be right for you- and the ability to let go of that notion and embrace the unknown is overwhelmingly liberating to me right now.

I have so many mistakes to make, countless places to see, infinite more to learn, endless experiences to be had, that it’s easy to zone in on those rather than on who has hurt me. They’re irrelevant. The people that count will show you why they do, and those people are the ones I want to pour my energy, thoughts, and love into. I am onto bigger things than I ever would have been if I had stayed in the spot I was comfortable in- so it is simple for me to choose to be happy. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor, right?

Too much thinking and analyzing brings debilitation, rather than security. Controlling the outcome of a situation is an impossible feat- one must just have faith that you will end up where exactly you need to be. 

“People have a great deal of anxiety about making decisions, ‘Did I think this over long enough? Did I take enough data into consideration?’ And if you think it through you find you never could take enough data into consideration, the data for a decision in any given situation is infinite. So what you do is you go through the motions of thinking about out what you will do about this, but worriers are people who think of all the variables beyond their control, and what might happen!…Choice is the act of hesitation that we make before making a decision, it is a mental wobbling, and so we are always in a dither of doubt as to whether we are behaving the right way, doing the right thing, and so on and so forth, and lack a certain kind of self confidence. And if you see you lack self confidence, you will make mistakes through sheer fumbling. If you do have self confidence you may get carried away doing the entirely the wrong thing. You have to regard yourself as a cloud, in the flesh, because you see- clouds never makes mistakes. Did you ever see a cloud that was misshapen? Did you ever see a badly designed wave? Heh, no they always do the right thing! But if will treat yourself for awhile as a cloud, a wave, and realize that you can’t make a mistake, whatever you do. Because even if you do something that seems to be totally disastrous, it all come out in the wash somehow or other. Then through this capacity you will develop a kind of confidence, and through confidence you will be able to trust your own intuition.” –Alan Watts

 

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